WARNING: UNCENSORED FLAPPER HUMOR!
THE FLAPPER 'S BOYFRIEND SAYS:
When her mother is in the parlor, we sit
But after mother retires, we sit
and sometimes (don't be shocked) we sit
A Modern Prohibition Era Family -
Mother's in the kitchen
Washing out the bottles,
Sister's in the pantry
Taking off the labels,
Father's in the cellar
Mixing up the hops,
Johnny's on the front porch
Watching for the cops.
from The Ithaca Journal, New York
November 4, 1922
"The flapper generation never thinks. All the sheiks and shebas want is to be let alone. Their war cry is: 'Don't spoil the fun!' and their battle song is: 'What'll We Do Tonight?' They can't be still a minute and they don't care what they do or who finds it out. If they stage a wild party and wake up next morning in jail, their only regret is that they got caught and couldn't stay to dance."
- July 11, 1926, Dallas Morning News
A Fool and Her Legs are soon Parted . . .
A Flapper's Appeal To Parents:
I want to beg all you parents, and grandparents, and friends, and teachers, and preachers--you who constitute the "older generation"--to overlook our shortcomings, at least for the present, and to appreciate our virtues. I wonder if it ever occurred to any of you that it required brains to become and remain a successful flapper? Indeed it does! It requires an enormous amount of cleverness and energy to keep going at the proper pace. It requires self- knowledge and self-analysis. We must know our capabilities and limitations. We must be constantly on the alert. Attainment of flapperhood is a big and serious undertaking!
Ellen Welles Page in Outlook magazine,
December 6, 1922
All we were saying was, ‘Tomorrow we may die, so let’s get drunk and make love - Lois Long, New Yorker reporter 1925
Assuming for the sake of discussion that anything is possible, is it easier: For somebody to be nowhere, or nobody to be somewhere?
Silk is the least important thing
That goes into hosiery
Girls like to be called snuggle-puppies," one school administrator told the reporter. "They grant the boys liberties. Encourage them to take them and if the young chaps do not, they are called 'sissies', 'poor boobs' or 'flat tire.' "Despite opposition, petting parties were happening in many colleges and high schools by mid-decade. The make-out sessions eventually spilled out into public spaces and onto lovers' lanes as automobiles became more commonplace.
In Atlantic City, N.J., beach cops were instructed to throw ice water on seaside petting parties, the Wilmington, N.C., Morning Star observed on July 31, 1921.
If Mermaids Were Flappers
Flappers of the sea,
Cute as can be,
You're in proper form
Beach hounds will agree.
Any way you're dressed
You will meet the test;
On the shore you're great,
But in the brine you're best.
The Flapper magazine, 1922
How sad was the fate of a girl and her sheikh,
He drove with one arm while they rode cheek to cheek,
Till one night a bee sat right down on his hand,
And the sheikh and his flapper departed this land.
Frisco Railroad Employees magazine,
I read yesterday where "moonshine" killed a man, so I'll just drive in the sunshine after this.
Some of the wets talk as though they had several drinks and some of the drys sound like they needed them. - Detroit Free Press
Boy: "What makes the moon shine, mother?"
Mother: "Your father."
The mosquito vote is solidly against
a return of long skirts.
The Flapper, Oct. 1922
When a flapper says "In a minute"
Her words carry 'wait'.
It is impossible to tell the truth about the past. My mother has become an angel; she couldn't possibly have been. - Edward G. Robinson
Flapper to friend: "There are only two things to do on a rainy night, and I don't like to play cards."
“I want you to lie to me just as sweetly as you
know how for the rest of my life.”
- F. Scott Fitzgerald, Gatsby Girls
A FLAPPER BUYS A CAR
"I'm going to buy a Studebaker," The flapper said to her friend.
"Don't do it," he counseled, "Get a Buick. If you buy a Studebaker, you'll get screwed."
Next day she bought a Studebaker.
On the opening page of the first issue of Flapper magazine in 1922 -
NOT FOR OLD FOGIES!
Greetings, flappers! All ye who have faith in this world and its people, who do not think we are going to the eternal bowwows, who love life and joy and laughter and pretty clothes and good times, and who are not afraid of reformers, conformers, or chloroformers — greetings!
Thanks to the flappers the world is going round instead of crooked, and life is still bearable. Long may the tribe wave!
Weekly journal advertises its product as "The finest reading for your week-end. Might have been more tactful.
The Flapper magazine November 1922
Anyhow, no one has yet had the nerve to issue an injunction against flappers.
'Politicklers' section of The Flapper, Nov. 1922
"Flapper"— the notorious character type who bobbed her hair, smoked cigarettes, drank gin, sported short skirts, and passed her evenings in steamy jazz clubs, where she danced in a shockingly immodest fashion with a revolving cast of male suitors.”
― Joshua Zeitz, Flapper: A Madcap Story of Sex, Style, Celebrity, and the Women Who Made America Modern
A flapper is a girl who powders her clothes and says to herself: "Clothes, I'm going downtown; if you want to come along, hang on."
from The Winchester Star, Kansas, Feb. 1 1923
The Flapper by Dorothy Parker
The playful flapper here we see,
The fairest of the fair.
She's not what Grandma used to be,
You might say, au contraire.
Her girlish ways may make a stir,
Her manners cause a scene,
But there is no more harm in her
Than in a submarine.
She nightly knocks for many a goal
The usual dancing men.
Her speed is great, but her control
Is something else again.
All spotlights focus on her pranks.
All tongues her prowess herald.
For which she well may render thanks
To God and Scott Fitzgerald.
Her golden rule is plain enough -
Just get them young and treat them rough.
Flapper to her friend: "He was only a whiskey maker but I loved him still"
A kiss has a funny way
of giving back to its originator
Joe: "Why can't a seal sleep?"
Moe: "Could you sleep if you had a flapper on each side of you?"
Why I Want Higher Tariffs
"With a higher tariff scheduled for dress goods there will be nobody to blame but the Republicans if the girls have to shorten their skirts again."
The Southern Lumberman, as reported in
'The Flapper' magazine, Oct. 1922
Joe: "Have you ever been held up?"
Moe: "I'll say. I took two flappers out to dinner last night."
Uncover your head for poor Horace McFlinn,
He had plenty of fun in a flivver of tin,
Until the sad morning that you may recall,
His fliv tried to battle a train
- AND THAT'S ALL!
"Once you've dressed, and before you leave the house, look in the mirror and take at least one thing off." - Coco Chanel
"A girl should be classy and fabulous"
- Coco Chanel
A girl may pilot an aeroplane
Or drive a motor car
But when it comes to riding a horse astride
That's stretching a "thing" too far.
Joe: "Tell me, what is worse than being all dressed up and no place to go?"
Moe: "All undressed and can't come."
“We women had been emancipated and we weren’t sure what we were supposed to do with all the freedom and equal rights, so we were going to hell laughing and singing.”
Lois Long in The New Yorker
Dan is taking Laure for a ride in his automobile. He casually slides an arm over her shoulder.
Laure: Shouldn't you be using both hands?
Dan: Why yes, it is much more fun when I use both hands. Shall I stop the car and show you?
"Don't shoot - I'm not a bootlegger"
Sign on a window of an automobile in Detroit
A DARB'S LAMENT
Mary had a little lamb
A pretty calf and toe
But she'll have to show me more before
She claims me for her beau.
The blind pig conditions here are worse in every way than in any other town I have visited, and the liquor sold is of a ruinous quality. - Ernest W. Mandeville, "Detroit Sets a Bad Example" April 1925
Flapper: "I've been a bad woman but I was good company. "
Secret to Successful Bootleg Whiskey
The best whiskey was put in oak barrels and buried in hot manure piles to age; as it heated up, the tannic acid from the oak barrels would age it in about three weeks. But I never was a bootlegger. A bootlegger is someone caught and convicted. I never was a bootlegger.
Anonymous owner of two large stills in Sonoma California in the 1920s
Flapper daughter sprawled on couch, talking to matronly mother: "Mother, when you were a girl, didn't you find it boring to be a virgin?"
"There is a place for you among the flappers, provided you don't get out of place," boys were told. Flapper magazine, 1922
Sam Simp bought his wife a brassiere,
When she sent him for a lavalliere;
This got her so mad
She chased him, bedad,
And hit him with her corsetiere.
The Flapper - magazine, November 1922
ODE TO THE FLOOR
Here's to the floor
Our best friend of all,
Who sticks to us close
In the time of our fall.
When benches are fickle
And tables betray
And rugs are revolving,
He meets us half-way.
by Oliver Hereford & Cecil John Clay, 1917
The Flapper's Lament
If the skirts get any shorter
Said the flapper with a sob,
I'll have two more cheeks to powder
And another place to bob.
Dorothy Parker was challenged to use the word horticulture in a sentence. Her reply? "You can lead a horticulture but you can't make her think.”
Dorothy Parker's ashes are interred in a memorial garden where her epitaph includes a classic Parkerism: “Excuse my dust.”
In Los Angeles, a jury that had heard a bootlegging case was itself put on trial after it drank the evidence. The jurors argued in their defense that they had simply been sampling the evidence to determine whether or not it contained alcohol, which they determined it did. However, because they consumed all the evidence, the defendant charged with bootlegging had to be acquitted.
On a street car, recently, two girls were discussing their dates of the night before in such loud tones that everyone around them could hear. 'I'm not going with that old fool any more,' one of them said. 'He wants to kiss me all the time, and he slobbers so when he kisses!"
- July 11, 1926, Dallas Morning News
I'd rather see dad break the prohibition law than always to be complaining that his spirits are too low - Irma Benjamin
"Isn't it peculiar that there are so many more Horses Asses in the world than there are Horses?"
Never put off until tomorrow what you should do today - just simply don't do it at all.
When words fail, it's time to start throwing things
News-Journal, Mansfield Ohio Dec. 23, 1929
Any girl can be glamorous.
All you have to do is
stand still and look stupid.
--Hedy [not Hedley] Lamarr
Because a young lady looks sad is not a sure sign she is in love; she may be thinking of ice cream.
Many Americans were shocked by the actions of these flappers, but Lois Long (in The New Yorker) embraced the exciting world of speakeasies. "The women of Prohibition raised their hemlines and their glasses in cheer for a new era."
A Beach Romance
Two flappers at Jersey went out for a flop,
But met the beach censor, who told them to stop;
"Your costumes are shocking to decent folk here;
Go back to your rooms, stay away from the pier."
They went to dance in their costumes so shocking,
With never a petticoat, never a stocking;
And nobody cared, not the tiniest bit--
They won the first favor by making a hit.
THE NEW FASHIONED GIRL
Let them sing of the girls of the long long ago
Who were shocked if their elbows or stockings did show,
But I'll chant of the maidens whose ankles are free,
To show their half-socks and the shape of their knees,
Let them praise those back numbers who turned in their toes,
And painted and fainted when MEN would propose,
Compared to the short-skirted bob-headed fry,
Who met all proposals with right to the eye,
Let them shed all their tears in a crocodile pour,
For the simple simp-sister who flourished of yore,
But I'll cast my vote in the way that I feel -
For the girl self-reliant, bright, snappy and REAL.
The Flapper magazine, June 1922
"If she's a flapper, mused the sergeant, wiping Passionate Rouge lipstick from his blameless mouth, then I'm all for 'em, and I don't care what Mum says." - Kerry Greenwood
Prohibition is an awful flop.
We like it.
It can't stop what it's meant to stop.
We like it.
It's left a trail of graft and slime,
It's filled our land with vice and crime,
It don't prohibit worth a dime,
Nevertheless, we're for it.
by F.P.A. in the New York World in the mid-1920s, writing about the public's confusion of how they felt about Prohibition.
W.C. Fields: I just saw a sign at a car repair shop advertising a girls spark plug changing contest for tomorrow.
Dan: Really? I had no idea that girls had spark plugs.
Laure: (hands on face) Oh no, it's time for a new one.
A charming young lady named Hopper
Committed a social cropper
She went to South Bend
With a gentleman friend
And the rest of the story's improper.
A FLAPPER'S TOAST
A man may kiss his wife good-bye
The Rose may kiss the Butterfly
The Sparkling Wine may kiss the glass
But you my friend—farewell.
THE FLAPPER BRIDE
A week before the wedding the young flapper came to her mother in tears. "I'm so afraid about getting married," she said. "I'm afraid I won't be able to please my sweetheart."
Her mother, who wanted to make the girl's trials easier, undertook to explain to her the secrets of married life. With some hesitation, she began to explain to the girl what she would have to go through.
"Oh, that doesn't bother me, mother," said the flapper, "I can fuck alright, but I can't cook."
Now Jones, who was not very sober,
Once had lots of fun with a crowbar;
But he monkeyed too long,
And to end this sweet song,
They buried him in October
The Flapper - magazine, November 1922
He kissed her in the garden
When the moon was shining bright
But she was a marble statue
And he was drunk that night
from Feather River Bulletin, January 1924
Ruth rode on my motor-bike
Directly back of me;
I hit a bump at sixty-five
And rode on ruthlessly.
THE FLAPPER FLOCK SAYS:
There are two reasons to keep your mouth shut
1. to keep out germs
2. to keep in words